I Don't Know How She Does It

So Sarah Jessica Parker has a new movie out entitled "I Don't Know HOW She Does It," about the trials and tribulations of a working mother.

Boy, does that piss me off.

So us working mothers are supposed to believe that SJP (yes, I feel like I am cool enough to use her initials) is an authentic representation of a typical working mother?

SJP with her perfectly-tailored size zero suits, perfectly highlighted and styled hair, and a purse that probably costs more than my car?

OH WAIT, I see, she is clutching a teddy bear (probably retails for $199.99 at FAO Schwartz) along with her Louis Vitton bag.  Wow, she really is just like me.

You want to know how I do it?  Here was my morning:

5:50 a.m. - Alarm goes off and I hit snooze
6:00 a.m. - Alarm goes off again and I hit snooze
6:10 a.m. - Alarm goes off again and I jump up and yell, "Oh shit" because I remember that I have to shave my legs, which haven't seen a razor in almost a week, and that adds 5 minutes to my morning prep time--5 minutes that I can't spare when I have hit the snooze button multiple times.
6:25 a.m. - Get out of the shower, turn on the lights in the kids' rooms, turn on the radio in the kids' rooms to an almost intolerable volume, and frantically get dressed.
6:27 a.m. - Notice that the suit I have to wear to work today is ridiculously wrinkled, thanks to our tiny closet (not all of us have bedroom-sized walk-in closets, Sarah Jessica).  Pause for a moment to debate ironing it, then say, "Screw it," and put it on anyways, hoping that most of the wrinkles will work themselves out.
6:30 - 6:35 a.m. - Dry and "style" my hair ("style"= turning the flat iron up to 500 degrees and spending 1 minute frying the frizz out of my hair).
6:36 a.m. - Walk into Zach's room to find him laying on the floor completely naked, crying that he doesn't want to go to school.  Yell at him to get dressed.
6:38 a.m.  - Walk into Zoe's room to find her still in bed, still in the "drool stage" of sleep.  Yell at her to get out of bed.
6:40 a.m. - Put on makeup, which consists of mascara.  Nothing more.  Again, I am not SJP here, people.
6:45 a.m. - Go back into Zach's room where he is still laying on the floor nude, but this time playing with his Lite Brite.  Grab the Lite Brite and yell to Jon to please, PLEASE help Zach get dressed.
6:50 a.m. - Walk into Zoe's room, where she is miraculously almost dressed, but her hair looks like a Muppet Gone Wild.  Proceed to drench her hair in water and detangling spray and make her look presentable.
6:55 a.m. - Help both kids squeeze the last droplets of toothpaste out of the tube since I forgot to get toothpaste on my way home from work yesterday.
6:56 a.m. - Help Zach wipe the toothpaste off the front of his uniform.
6:58 a.m. - Finally make it downstairs and tell the kids to pick out which cereal they want.
6:59 a.m. - Break up a fight between the kids over who gets to read the back of the Kix box.
7:00 a.m. - Coffee maker starts up (God bless my husband and his ability to remember to program it every night).
7:05 a.m. - Pack the kids lunches.  Pack my lunch. Wish I had something more exciting than leftover pasta salad and a banana to take.
7:15 a.m. - Tell the kids frantically that we have 5 minutes until we have to leave.
7:18 a.m. - Put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher since we have an ongoing ant problem and they love when dishes are left in the sink.  Give Zoe her asthma medication.  Give Zach his antibiotic (ear infection).
7:22 a.m. - Run to the bus stop (in heels, complaining the whole way that my feet must have gotten fatter overnight).  Realize halfway there that it is drizzling out and any effort I made to have nice-looking hair today was completely futile.
7:26 a.m. - Bus arrives.  As the kids are getting on the bus, yell to them to not forget they have piano lessons after school and remind Zach to give his teacher the note I wrote, excusing him from his absence yesterday (ear infection).
7:29 a.m. - Get back home, get in the car, and make my 20-minute commute to work.
7:55 a.m. - Sit down at my desk with my lukewarm coffee and stare blankly out the window for 10 minutes to gather my nerves.

Something tells me if SJP had a morning like I had, she would go back to chain smoking, a la Carrie Bradshaw.



How do I do it?  I honestly don't know.  What I do know is that I curse my hectic lifestyle every day, but I am not in a position to change it. I try to embrace the chaos, but when it's 7:22 a.m. and both kids decide that they both have to use the bathroom and the bus is arriving in 3 minutes, I am not in a position to embrace anything.  I love my kids more than life, but I might actually love them a TINY bit more if they got up on time every morning without me having to scream at them. 

And if they would iron my clothes for me.

Here's what the movie poster should look like: